From Scared to Pissed Off.

I woke up today and I was scared. Not because of my pending results but because I would finally be starting college in a fortnight and that scares me. I never thought I’d be afraid, but I am, really really afraid.

I’m afraid because I’ve just gotten high school mapped out. I’ve just figured out which are the ones you stick to and why. I’ve just learned the things that are necessary and the things that which are not in order to survive, I just figured out those abstract rules that keeps the place intact and learn them and protect myself against them.

And I’m afraid because now I’d have to start from scratch again, and I have to start from scratch alone, with nobody by my side to help. And I’m thinking, boy, that sucks, that sucks, Big time!

Another thing that scares me is what if I’m making a wrong decision. I mean, what if I climb up this ladder and realize that there’s another ladder I have to take, or worse, there is no other ladder to take? Instead of easing into something, like taking a foundation or a pre-U, I’m taking a diploma. Instead of inching into freezing water, I jumped in head first. Whoop-e-doo.!

But my point is, I woke up, and I was scared, not scared for something that I should have been scared about, but scared for something else. Which is.. Just.. Very very.. Weird.

And now, I’m not anymore, because now, I’m just pissed.. And aggravated and frustrated and disappointed. I mean, no shit Sherlock, you’re telling me all the hard work was for.. This? 4 A’s and a freaking C too? Makes you wanna go ‘what the Fuck!’ doesn’t it?

And as if that wasn’t enough, I had to be reminded that people don’t have very great expectations of me. And that, made me cry, hot boiling tears ran down my cheeks, why? Because I was that effing mad.! Pissed off to hell that nobody but me sees the hard work I put in for this. I mean, WTF!

And I know, as Faulkner so astutely put it; do not bother to be better than your contemporaries or predecessors, try to be better than yourself, it does not help at all when you’ve done so much and have expected better, it does not help when even when you’ve lowered your expectations, they still turn out worst than that.

At the end of the day, as many times as you tell yourself that it doesn’t matter anymore and that you don’t care, what’s done is done.. Well, that’s just a load of bull. Because it will hurt you, in ways you cannot imagine. And that just sucks. Cause life’s just a bitch and that is one thing you cannot do anything about.

Well, I wanna go off and cry now, but it seems that my tear ducts are too embarrassed that it let itself go in public earlier and have gone on strike, so I’ll just go stuff myself with chocolates.. Or ice-cream.. Or whatever’s in the fridge waiting for me.. Whichever I find first, really, I’m not picky..

“Unfortunately, a super abundance of dreams is paid for by a growing potential for nightmares.
Sir Peter Ustinov

Oh, there’s a P.S.

To my friends out there, yes you, who’ve done well with your straight A1’s and what not, let me just say this, I’m happy for you, truly, sincerely happy for you and very very proud too.

Love you guys so somuch yea? 🙂

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