Fairytales & Dragons.

I want to kill that bloody dragon already.

I should be studying for my tests tomorrow, I really should cause it carries marks for my finals see, but this is it, this is my breaking point I really don’t give a fuck right now. So okay, I said it again, the F word, I think I’ve cursed way too much today to last me a week, no, not a lifetime, just a week, I’m not some freak who shoots off her mouth uttering profanities, just one who throws fits and occasional outbursts.

But I digress. I have so many things flying in my head right now that I need it to spill it out.

Like the fact that I failed my Accom. and not managed to tell my mum about it, and how I did tell my Hospitality results to my mum which was like 2nd or 3rd highest in class and she still not think it’s good enough, like the fact that I probably did the best for my business English presentation and still not think it was good enough, like the fact that out of 15 people in my class the only person that I can expect things to get done is myself and that’s not even consistent, like the fact that we were commended for our first big project and I still think it totally sucked, like the fact that everybody’s leaving and like the fact that I’m stuck with the same people in my deli project and like the fact that I think my fear has come true and I am on the wrong ladder and I need to get up a new ladder and I’ve no idea what that one is.

Yes, I’m talking bout the fact that I think events is not cut out for me, or I’m not cut out for events or whatever. I’m absolutely insane, I know, and my loudness makes me the natural leader in whatever project in class but how do I lead when no one follows? I’m no leader, I’m not opinionated, I don’t make good decisions, I don’t come up with good idea’s, I don’t command attention when I speak, I don’t command attention by my domineering presence, I’m just bloody loud.

I just don’t think this is right for me anymore, I can’t get organized to save my life, I’m doing terribly in classes, my ideas time and again seem to be terrible, nothing can ever get perfect enough and I cannot for the life of me, deal with my classmates. I used to think that was okay, I’ve been alone long enough anyway, but you can’t do it all alone in a GROUP project, and some people just refuse to co-operate.

And I mean really, how do I get stuck with a bunch of people whom I say okay let’s discuss all stare blankly at me?

Maybe the main reason that I think I’m not cut out for it is due to the fact that I seem to be on another wavelength than everybody else in class, and the fact that I do not get along with them. It’s like they’re tuned in to am and I’m on the fm. Or it could just do with the fact that my classmates are all bloody immature freaks who can’t tell their asses from their faces, well not all exactly but you get my drift. No one actually gets me, people that get me are taking sam, a levels adp and whatever else and they’re all getting scholarships and going away, which hence brings me to another one of the things on my mind, that everybody’s leaving. Yep, everybody’s leaving..

Life has a knack of letting people just breeze in and out of my life. And that sucks, that really does, cause when they all leave, I’m left here all alone. And people wonder why I’ve got trust issues.

These people are slipping from my fingers however hard I try to hold on to them and it proves to be like trying to get a hold on to sand, or water, or air. The fact that we’re in different schools now with different people in our lives don’t help, neither does the fact that these people are getting scholarships and going far far away. And even if they’re not getting scholarships they’re still going away. And yes, that is a hint of bitterness in my words cause they are living the life I want, the life that I cannot afford. I’m happy for them yes, so happy, and so proud, but I’m sad for me, frustrated for me, which makes me mad at me for being so selfish, do you know how difficult that actually can be?

The fact that people are leaving bothers me because I never had that one stable presence in my life, daddy works too much, mummy and I don’t click and my sister and I don’t get along well, apparently because we’re too similar and yet so different anyway and there has never been that ONE friend that I can turn to, everybody has someone but I have none. And just when I think I’ve found people who I can trust and maybe possibly actually hang on in long enough, life gets in the way and yanks the rug right out from under me.

Just like how college ripped the rug out under me when I became disillusioned that I was NOT anywhere near being a stupid girl failing subjects and not understanding classes anymore. And that brings us to the fact that I can’t ever be good enough at.. well.. Anything can I? Ever? Nothing’s ever good enough with my parents and I have high expectations of myself when I put myself into something cause I give it my all and expect to get results but I don’t, which brings me to if this is not right for me then what the hell is? At this point, I should know what I’m cut out for, right? But I’m not and that’s just the thing, I’m thinking this has everything to do with the fact that I’m pretty much not anything, at all, I’m not the pretty one, never have been, I’m not the smart one either, never have been, I’m not the nice sweet girl next door, I’m not the domineering leader, I’m not anything and this just gets more and more frustrating.

Yes, it’s all very frustrating when you live inside the mind of The Sue.

So yes, I’m in my whole hate-the-world phase again, and yes, I’m being incoherent again but you see the thing is yes, I’ve accepted long ago that life is crap, I know life is crap but like a child, I find myself thinking I want the damned dragon dead for Pete’s sake, because I want my damned fairy tale!

“Fairy tales do not tell children that dragons exist. Children already know that dragons exist. Fairy tales tell children that dragons can be killed.”
 G.K. Chesterton


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