What Is and What Should Be.

I’ve been hiding all my hopes and dreams away,
Just in case I ever need ‘em again someday,
I’ve been setting aside time,
To clear a little space in the corner of my mind,

All I wanna do is find a way back into love,
I can’t make it through without a way back into love~

Way Back into Love, from Music & Lyrics, by High Grant & Hayley Bennett

Cheesy as the song is, it fits that emo agonized chick that I’ve been being in the presence of them certain people over the past 2 weeks. I thought that maybe if I was there for you when you needed me, you would be too. Apparently not. But anyway, point is, I’ve been brooding plenty lately. In the dark empty hall/classroom/lecture theatre. I somehow even find a way to brood and wallow in my misery in class cause around these people who I must say don’t seem to care, it seems so easy to zoom out and go wallow in the think tank. I brood about what is, what was and what it should be. They’ve taken to camping in my head and occupying a large area too I must add and just refuse to leave.

What is, what was and what it should be.

The ‘what if’ little charade. It’s gotten to me, I’ll admit, and it’s as cruel as it is pathetic.

Life’s simple. You make choices and you don’t look back. I get that, I do, really. But somehow, I feel that some people move along with their lives better than I do and I wish.. I wish that I could somehow find the play button, and carry on instead of replaying this loop in my head. I’m somehow just stuck in what was and it’s almost poetic the way I’m trapped in the past and just can’t seem to move on. Almost, except it really isn’t and I’m just tormenting myself. I should stop really. Stop thinking of the ‘could have been’s’ or ‘he ‘would have been’s.’ It’s over, right? It’s been almost a year now, and it’s been long enough. Long enough to understand that it’s pretty much not something that’s mine anymore. Not something that defines me anymore.

I guess my problem is that I’ve let it dictate the person I was for so long. And I’ve made so many sacrifices. So much that even after over a year, it’s not something that I can just let go without feeling that you’re letting this huge part of you die.

And I guess I’ve been struggling all this while, struggling to accept it. Struggling to find something else to fill that void that’s been left behind cause you need that something. Something to tell you that it was right and there is something else out there for you. I’ve been waiting and hoping and I just don’t see it. I don’t see the signs and I don’t get it. There’s gotta be something for my heart somewhere, shouldn’t there? I don’t know. I really don’t.

And when I see them other people who just seem to be able to let go and carry on, I wonder, do people really move along so easily, or is it just me who can’t seem to carry on? Am I the only one who finds this really tedious, this whole moving on business?

Maybe I just need to find that one thing. Or maybe I need more time around people who I know do care. Or maybe all I need is just time.

“No man needs a vacation so much as the man who has just had one.”
Elbert Hubbarb


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