What disturbs me is when people make me out to be a better writer than I am. I mean, these are not my friends (though I would say that they kinda are) or family who feel that they are obligated to lie to me to make me feel good, or try to make me feel confident or just love me too much to tell the truth but people who don’t know me directly, and people I don’t directly know. These are the people who just stumble across my works and then leave raving reviews like a fanatical groupie. It’s flattering, and boosts my confident to no end, but the fact is, I know how good I am and it’s no where near to what this people are telling me I am.

It disturbs me because it makes me question how well I see myself, or more accurately how well I evaluate my skills as a writer because I don’t think I’m all that good. In fact I think I’ve a very morose style that is way too PG13 and am way too mediocre a writer with an okay command of language. I enjoy it very much, yeah, but I don’t really think I’m that great at it.

I mean, how do I supposedly capture emotions so perfectly and inexplicably put to words the indescribable depth of the feeling with such accuracy when I have never actually felt the said emotion before? And how is it possible when I’m a phenomenal writer who writes so well that it can’t even be decribed when up till I was 14, could not even entirely read Enid Blyton without consulting the dictionary? How is it that I apparently make the reader live the story and understand the deep emotions and thoughts of the characters when I struggle to grasp at words to explain the simplest things like the taste of a cup of original bubble tea?

Maybe I’m reading too much into it. I mean how can I honestly take the word of people who are lifeless enough to sift through FanFiction and FictionPress religiously everyday? And before you ask, yes, I am as lifeless as to write for FanFiction and FictionPress and then be disturbed by the surprisingly good reviews I get. Trust me, you do not know half the ideas and random thoughts that go through this tiny little head.

But anyhow, like I said, it disturbs me when I get raving over the roof reviews. It truly does. Probably because these people have no reason to be nice to me. They should have no qualms of tearing me to pieces in their judgment, no fear of shattering my confidence and make me question my abilities, no obligation to make me feel good about my work, no reason whatsoever to put me on the pedestal and lie through their teeth on how horrible it actually is, no expectation to care for my feelings on the criticism they have to throw at me. But they don’t. Instead they tell me how awesome I supposedly am and this leads to me to actually letting myself believe to some extent some of the things that are being said. I mean, I’m not as conceited as to believe everything they tell me, but I suppose it disturbs me because there is some part of me who wants to believe those things being said, that I am just that awesome and wonderfully talented because these people have no reason to lie to me.

But then again, maybe it just disturbs me because it tells me how much better a liar I am compared to what I thought. I don’t know, but either way, I find it awfully disturbing…

“Contradiction is not a sign of falsity, nor the lack of contradiction a sign of truth.”
Blaise Pascal


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