Nothing Left To Say But Goodbye.

I have finally come to terms, or so I hope, with the fact that you are never going to be the guy I want you to be. You are never going to be the friend I want you to be. Or half the person that I hope you’ll be. And it’s true, IAM better than this and I DO deserve better than this.

I’ve never tried to change you. I’ve always thought, hey, you’re you and there’s no need to change that. I always thought it would be incredibly selfish to try to make you someone you’re not.

And so I’ve been fine with all the little things you’ve done that has directly or indirectly done me harm or brought me pain because I’ve always felt that it would be wrong to try to change someone you love. And yes, I love you. Not in the icky lvoey dovey IN LOVE with you way but the kind of love you have for your brother, or sister or best friend. Which was what you were to me. And I say were because I feel you no longer befit that title. But again, like I always do, I digress.

Back to the chalk board, now here was I.? Okay, so.. We’ve always been honest with each other. Or you know what, I’VE always been honest with you. Because I get a sense that you’ve never always been completely honest with me. Because I get the sense that I’ve never been as important to you as you’ve been to me which brings me back to what prompted this in the first place.

I mean I’ve been a pretty awesome friend I’d say. I mean bad break up and tough exam shits and insane amounts of college applications aside, I’d STILL say I’ve been a pretty awesome friend. And somehow, all that shit aside the scoreboard STILL looks a little tilted.

And I’ve always hoped that if not today, then maybe Someday, you could just.. Be there. Be my friend when I need you to be one. And time and again, disappointment is all I’ve gotten. So this lovely lass here is finally realizing you are NOT that guy. And never will be.

Because I’ve been feeling neglected of late. And not in the haven’t-heard-from-you-in-a-while neglected, but in a oh-you-need-my-help-well-too-bad-I-have-other-things-to-do-run-along-now neglected. Yes, big time negligence. And I figure, I really can’t just sit around till you one day decide that you have the time to be my friend. I stuck by you through everything and you seem to be just not as willing to be there for me and you never seem to want to take the same initiative.

And I’m finally compelled to agree with the people who tell me I DO have the right to be mad at you the times when I am because I DO have the right to be just plain fucking pissed at you sometimes.

But I’m not pissed anymore, I’m at peace and have accepted that you just don’t bloody give a rats ass so I guess this is what they call Closure, ladies and gentlemen.

And I suppose ‘Goodbye’ is really all that’s left to be said.

Yes, one word, after 4 years of friendship. Through all the deep shit and petty teenage drama, lack thereof the said drama, parent issues and emotional upheavals. One word.

Goodbye.

“Why can’t we get all the people together in the world that we really like and then just stay together?  I guess that wouldn’t work.  Someone would leave.  Someone always leaves.  Then we would have to say goodbye.  I hate goodbyes.  I know what I need.  I need more hellos.”
Charles M. Schulz

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