God, Science, Religion, Faith, Logic, and Me.

On this day of your life, Sue,
we believe God wants you to know
that true faith flowers from and through doubt.

If you never questioned your beliefs –
you are just a puppet dancing to somebody’s strings.
If God had wanted your mindless obedience,
you would’ve been created without mind and without free will.
But you have both so you can come to God of your own accord.
Just look at the lives of saints – most of them
had gone through a dark night of the soul,
and that’s why their faith was so strong.
The path to true faith always goes through doubt.
So ask those questions you’ve always been afraid to ask,
and find the answers,
and then your faith will become unshakable.

I have taken so long debating the whole ‘God, Science, Religion, Faith, Me’ thing in my head that I feel a part of my brain die every time I so much as start thinking about it again.

I have questions. And I have doubts. And I have never been afraid to ask them. To reflect upon these little things that feel so big to me, and I say little because it seems so insignificant to those who simply have faith. And perhaps they will one day be insignificant to me too. But these questions just seem to have the tendency of sending me on endless goose chases that just has no true answers.

Often I used to think, say even, that Faith is a gift. One that I am not blessed with yet. Because I always thought faith is believing in something when common sense tells you not to. A knowledge within the heart, beyond the reach of proof. Trust without reservation. All that wise men quotes.

But then I think I’m finding one of the main problems is that I’m at a juncture in my life where I can’t not go with common sense. That I can’t bring myself to believe in something with no proof. That I can’t inexplicably and unreservedly trust. That I can’t be like those people who are so boisterously proud of having faith in something that denotes an inexplicable lack of any sort of evidence or proof. I just can’t because these questions that I seek answers to have no definitive answers whatsoever.

And then I feel like a douche because definitive isn’t exactly the Mr Big Guy Up There’s MO which makes it seem more than anything that I’m looking for reasons not to believe,when in fact I do want to believe. I do wish that there was some way I can know for certain, beyond a shadow of doubt. I do wish for a sign or some hidden message, something that He can send my way to reassure me.

And then I feel like an even bigger douche when I remember a certain misanthropic television doctor saying “You talk to God, you’re religious. God talks to you, you’re psychotic.” Or something along those lines. But fact is that in me asking for a sign, some sort of reason or justification to believe when there is none makes me some kind of insane. But that’s not even the speed bump quite yet, the actual predicament here is that if I do get that sign or see some sort of God sent message, it literally makes me insane because I’m seeing these things and these signs and these hidden messages that aren’t really there.

And then I remember a friend of mine asking what am I looking for in order to believe? What is this proof that I am seeking? What are these answers going to have to be for my faith? Because it just seems that if God himself was before me, I’m just going to think I’m hallucinating.

And then I think about how scary it is how religious behavior or thinking is so close to certifiable insanity that we can’t tell them apart.

But I digress.

Circling back to topic at hand. I have questions. And I have doubts. And I don’t understand the need for all these hoops and all these questions. If He exists, and He wants us to believe – which He should seeing as we are His supposed children and He loves us – and He wants us to spend our eternal lives with Him – which a certain scripture only guarantees if I believe – and He is omnipotent, and omnipresent, just. Why?

And if you tell me God works in mysterious ways, I will punch you in the face.

And if you tell me you can’t give me the answers I seek and that no one can explain God’s ways, I will also punch you in the face.

Because according to a rather widely used internet application that randomly sends me a message representing what He apparently wants me to know, I should be looking for answers, and telling me there is no real answers is just kind of a tad hypocritical.

I guess this entire word vomit was just my was of saying it really all does come down to faith. And it still is a gift I have yet to receive.

“All men are born with a nose and ten fingers, but no one was born with a knowledge of God. “
Voltaire

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