Unexpected.

I’ve been feeling a little down of late. The disappointment of learning I’m only one subject short of possibly making a summer program transfer that’ll enable me to graduate ahead of the outlined time (that is painstakingly too long I’m compelled to add) hit me hard as most of my peers have already graduated/are graduating soon/have begun working.

Add the fact that my dad has been a retired man for almost a year now and my continuous education seems more a dead weight than an asset (because really, is one piece of paper that tells the world my parents paid for an education make me really THAT much more qualified for a job?) and I’m sure you understand the frustration.

It’s not that I’m looking forward to working life. Mudane day after day of the same thing and the same people with no semester breaks or time to take a breather till the day I die or retire, whichever comes first. It’s more of the fact that I’ve been studying all my life.

After high school, I was convinced that higher education would be over in a flash. I was promised it would, as a matter of fact, ‘After all, you survived over a decade of public education, what’s another few years of expensive higher education that promises to teach you things that would benefit you in the career of your choosing’ they whispered.

And so I keep waiting to be done with studying and start living. Not that I’m a total bore who just lugs books around and studiously nerd out for exams, it’s just I feel so tethered by the fact that I have to have to ensure that my education receive top priorities that I can’t truly enjoy the sweetness of life just yet.

So I keep telling myself to be patient and to wait it out, that I will be able to do as I please without restrictions once I’m done with shoveling contents of books into my brains for a piece of certificate, that I’ll start living when I get this one thing done, that after this one hurdle my life will be as I want it to be. Because after all, education is as good as gold, isn’t it? It opens doors. It brings about a world of opportunities. But lately I feel as though I’m just waiting.

And waiting and waiting and waiting.

And there is no light at the end of the tunnel approaching.

And I’m back to being that bitter resentful girl I was 2 years ago, watching all my friend leave, pursuing their dreams, charging ahead with their lives whilst I stay chained to exactly where I am, forever unchanging and rooted.

Except now I’m that bitter girl who is where she has been all along, now watching everyone else live their dream whilst she ponders if the promised light at the end of the tunnel will ever approach, and if it does, whether it will turn out to just be an oncoming train instead.

But strength comes from the most unexpected of places. In the unexpected of times.

I will persevere. If only because the the other option is unacceptable. If only because you reminded me.

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2 Responses

  1. your time will come and soon! the shores of the atlantic ocean beckon – and they’re not going anywhere, don’t worry. get cracking on that UCAS application you told me about! 😀 i want to make sure you go to the right continent, before the other girls persuade you to do otherwise!

    • ♥♥

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