Archive for the ‘Spiritual’ Category

God, Science, Religion, Faith, Logic, and Me.
July 31, 2011

On this day of your life, Sue,
we believe God wants you to know
that true faith flowers from and through doubt.

If you never questioned your beliefs –
you are just a puppet dancing to somebody’s strings.
If God had wanted your mindless obedience,
you would’ve been created without mind and without free will.
But you have both so you can come to God of your own accord.
Just look at the lives of saints – most of them
had gone through a dark night of the soul,
and that’s why their faith was so strong.
The path to true faith always goes through doubt.
So ask those questions you’ve always been afraid to ask,
and find the answers,
and then your faith will become unshakable.

I have taken so long debating the whole ‘God, Science, Religion, Faith, Me’ thing in my head that I feel a part of my brain die every time I so much as start thinking about it again.

I have questions. And I have doubts. And I have never been afraid to ask them. To reflect upon these little things that feel so big to me, and I say little because it seems so insignificant to those who simply have faith. And perhaps they will one day be insignificant to me too. But these questions just seem to have the tendency of sending me on endless goose chases that just has no true answers.

Often I used to think, say even, that Faith is a gift. One that I am not blessed with yet. Because I always thought faith is believing in something when common sense tells you not to. A knowledge within the heart, beyond the reach of proof. Trust without reservation. All that wise men quotes.

But then I think I’m finding one of the main problems is that I’m at a juncture in my life where I can’t not go with common sense. That I can’t bring myself to believe in something with no proof. That I can’t inexplicably and unreservedly trust. That I can’t be like those people who are so boisterously proud of having faith in something that denotes an inexplicable lack of any sort of evidence or proof. I just can’t because these questions that I seek answers to have no definitive answers whatsoever.

And then I feel like a douche because definitive isn’t exactly the Mr Big Guy Up There’s MO which makes it seem more than anything that I’m looking for reasons not to believe,when in fact I do want to believe. I do wish that there was some way I can know for certain, beyond a shadow of doubt. I do wish for a sign or some hidden message, something that He can send my way to reassure me.

And then I feel like an even bigger douche when I remember a certain misanthropic television doctor saying “You talk to God, you’re religious. God talks to you, you’re psychotic.” Or something along those lines. But fact is that in me asking for a sign, some sort of reason or justification to believe when there is none makes me some kind of insane. But that’s not even the speed bump quite yet, the actual predicament here is that if I do get that sign or see some sort of God sent message, it literally makes me insane because I’m seeing these things and these signs and these hidden messages that aren’t really there.

And then I remember a friend of mine asking what am I looking for in order to believe? What is this proof that I am seeking? What are these answers going to have to be for my faith? Because it just seems that if God himself was before me, I’m just going to think I’m hallucinating.

And then I think about how scary it is how religious behavior or thinking is so close to certifiable insanity that we can’t tell them apart.

But I digress.

Circling back to topic at hand. I have questions. And I have doubts. And I don’t understand the need for all these hoops and all these questions. If He exists, and He wants us to believe – which He should seeing as we are His supposed children and He loves us – and He wants us to spend our eternal lives with Him – which a certain scripture only guarantees if I believe – and He is omnipotent, and omnipresent, just. Why?

And if you tell me God works in mysterious ways, I will punch you in the face.

And if you tell me you can’t give me the answers I seek and that no one can explain God’s ways, I will also punch you in the face.

Because according to a rather widely used internet application that randomly sends me a message representing what He apparently wants me to know, I should be looking for answers, and telling me there is no real answers is just kind of a tad hypocritical.

I guess this entire word vomit was just my was of saying it really all does come down to faith. And it still is a gift I have yet to receive.

“All men are born with a nose and ten fingers, but no one was born with a knowledge of God. “


August 11, 2010

On this day of your life, Sue,
we believe God wants you to know …

That you deserve happiness just because.

There is nothing you need to do to deserve happiness.
There are no ‘minimal requirements’ for you to fulfil before you can claim happiness.
You deserve happiness simply by virtue of having been born.
That’s it.
Nothing more is required.
Be happy.

Hmm.. Funny. Because it seems life begs to differ.

Everytime I seem to have some claim or vestige of happiness within my grasp, she throws me in front of the bus and this metaphorical bus of pain and misery slams right into me.

I feel hungover. I need a greasy breakfast.

Or a pint of ice cream. I’ll say ‘Ack!’ and eat it.



Oh sanity, why has thou forsaken me?

“I’ve been familiarizing myself with female emotional crises by studying the comic strip, “Cathy” when she’s upset she says, “Ack!” and eats ice cream.”
Sheldon Cooper, The Big Bang Theory Ep#3.19.

Faith and Resilience.
June 25, 2010

“On this day of your life Sue,
we believe God wants you to know…

That all is well.

All is going according to plan. Trust that there is a bigger picture.

Trust that life is unfolding as it should.”

Funny that Peace should come so unexpectedly. From the most unanticipated of sources.

But take it I shall.

“There are moments in our lives when we find ourselves at a crossroads. The choices we make in those moments can define the rest of our days. And, of course, when faced with the unknown, most of us prefer to turn around and go back. There are moments in our lives when we find ourselves at a crossroads. But, once in a while, people push onto something better. Something found just beyond the pain of going it alone. And just beyond the bravery and courage it takes to let someone in. Or to give someone a second chance. Something beyond the quiet persistence of a dream. Because, it’s only when you’re tested that you truly discover who you are. And, it’s only when you’re tested that you discover who you can be. The person you want to be does exist; somewhere on the other side of hard work and faith and belief. And, beyond the heartache and fear of what lies ahead.”
One Tree Hill, Ep #4.02: Things I Forgot at Birth.

God, Religion and Somewhere in Between.
May 1, 2010

It was a simple question.

A simple question from a class I hate but answered with complete honesty to a guy whom I think is a complete sexist pig who doesn’t even know my name.

Except now he DOES know my name and calls me up for everything and anything under the sun. Even when I’m just sitting there minding my own business, I get suckered into things I do not volunteer for. But that is beside the point. The point is, I went through my notes and I came across this question he posed to the class.

It was a simple question, easy even on certain levels, but so much more complicated on others.

Do you struggle with your belief?

I suppose the solace I can take from it is the fact that he probably doesn’t read every single piece of answer he gets.

But the fact still remains that I answered exactly what I answered. The truth. The whole honest to God complete truth. No rhymes, no embellishments, no adjectives.

And what disturbs me was MY answer.

Because it’s true what I answered, I do struggle.

Because I’d like to believe in God. Not necessarily religion, just God. But then again, God is essential to religion; where there is religion there is God. But God does not equal religion and I’d like to think that you can believe in God without having to believe in religion and then I confuse myself with the few words that keep popping up and bouncing around in that one point of the argument.

And then I move on to the next point in question; why, why do I believe? I’d say that I believe because I believe, because I have faith, but then that’d be a lie, because truth is I don’t believe. Truth is, I WANT to believe. I want to believe because it makes me feel better. I want to believe because it comforts me to think that there’s a bigger picture. That there’s more to life.

But then, how is it okay to believe because there is nothing better to believe and because I’m scared and simply want something to believe in? How is it justifiable to believe not because I believe but because it’s a warm sense of self comfort, to have something to believe in?

And then there is that question of faith. Which I have bones to pick with because faith is defined, or at least it is to me, as believing in something when common sense tells you not to. So how am I supposed to believe in something with no logical reasoning or rationale whatsoever?

So yes, I do struggle, and I bet you struggle to understand my struggle. So don’t ask me what I believe in; if I believe in God, or if I’ve accepted Christ into my heart, or if there are any beliefs that I hold steadfast as of now. Because right now, I’m just struggling to figure it all out.

“Is man one of God’s blunders? Or is God one of man’s blunders?”
Friedrich Nietzsche

February 13, 2010

Elyse Ong! You made me cry. Thank you.

I opened the letter package like when you’re a kid on Christmas morning and you peel of the wrappings really really carefully cause although you really really wanna know what’s inside, you’re trying to savor the moment (and maybe the pretty wrapper as well) and I found what I really needed right now.

Feeling energized and rejuvenated already.

Thank you, thank you, thank you!

Praying for my favorite (AND ONLY) extremely cold Cambridegian from warm warm (although it IS more like UBER HOT! right now) Penang.

“Have faith in God,” Jesus answered. “I tell you the truth, if anyone says to this mountain, ‘Go, throw yourself into the sea,’ and does not doubt in his heart but believes that what he says will happen, it will be done for him. Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours.”

Mark 11:22-24

January 24, 2010

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

2 Corinthians 12:9-10