Things I Wish My Mother Had Told Me.
January 26, 2014

1. When you’re at some party, chain smoking next to the window with the girl with odd tattoos and piercings with purple hair and large exorbitant eyes ringed with smudged eyeliner – don’t shy away. Talk to her – ask her about her life, ask her what her tattoos mean, ask her what her childhood was like, ask her about her day. You won’t regret it. You’ll find that everyone has a story, and often, the ones that society tell you to be afraid of have the most captivating of stories to tell.

2. One day, a boy will come along – his lips will taste like cigarettes and sin, and his touch will feel like fire. His words will resonate with the deepest parts of you, and when he leaves you, you will want to die. But that feeling will go away, and you will learn to live again. Because everything is temporary, my dear. That throbbing hurt in your chest will be filled with other things in life. Books, movies, art, friends.. You will learn to love yourself. And you will then find that the world gets on its knees for the people who learn to love themselves first.

3. Please never, ever mistake desire for love. Love engulfs your soul and nourishes you. Desire emerges like an ardent flame – setting ablaze everything in its way, seeping into your veins and burning you from the inside out. And when that leaves, you’re left with nothing but the scars of the flame, and melancholy in your pores.

4. No one is going to save you, my dear. Your sadness is not beautiful. Despite what you’ve read, and what you’ve come to believe (or hope for), no one is going to find you reading Fitzgerald in Starbucks and fall in love with you. No one will come along and rescue you from that unrelentless drumming in your soul. Darling, your life is as precious as it is fragile. And your sadness, this sadness will bury you alive. No heroes will be riding up to the tower you’ve locked yourself in with his gallant steed to fight for you. You have to fight for yourself. You have to slay your own dragons.

5. It’s okay to get drunk. Whether it’s just for fun or because you need liquid courage to tell someone how you feel, it’s completely fine. And you know what else is completely fine? Not getting drunk. Don’t fall under the pressure of pleasing people. Please yourself and live for you.

6. Don’t be one of those girls who go “You’re crazy!” or “That’s not true!” when someone compliments you. We’re raised with this expectation of self-effacement that society places on us, and it damages you. It damages your self-worth and your self-esteem. Learn to be praised vocally, and learn to be admired. Learn to bask in the effervescent awe that others have for you. Breathe it in, and accept that there will also be times where you won’t be accepted. But that’s okay.

7. Alone time is good for the soul. It’s good to cancel your plans sometimes, close your door, turn off your phone, and play some Bastille, or John Mayer, or whatever else you prefer, and just enjoy your own company. Maybe you could read a book, or hell, even write one if you’re up for it. But take some time to yourself and learn to be happy with you and the sound of your breathing. You are the only person who’ll be with you to the very end, so learn to laugh at your own jokes, enjoy the way you pronounce words when you read aloud, bask in your slight tone deafness while you sing.

8. Be a traveller. The world is vast, and you should never be content until you’ve seen all that you want to see. Be curious, be adventurous, be uninhibited. Learn by seeing new places, and experiencing new things. Learn by listening to someone tell you the details about the ancient civilizations. Understand architecture through the Greek structures standing right in front of you. Appreciate the beauty of the world when you watch the elephants in the wild in Kenya. Satiate your thirst for interesting people shacking up with dozens of unwashed backpackers in New Zealand. Write amazing poetry because you can feel the words coming to you as the wind tangles in your hair, glancing up at the brilliant orange sunset above Angkor Watt.

9. Contrary to what people might have you think, there is absolutely nothing wrong with sex (except when it’s not consensual – then it’s called rape).  Learn to love him, and let him love you back. But don’t ever be afraid of the moment. Embrace it – be loud, be clumsy, be real. Bump heads, miss when you kiss, laugh when it happens, and keep kissing. Enjoy your body and enjoy your partner’s too. Speak to each other while you make love – speak words, speak with your body, speak to their soul. Touch them – caress their skin, kiss their goose bumps, play with the scruffy hair on their neck. Keep the lights on and watch their eyes when they explode. Don’t worry about the extra skin, or sizes of parts, and things that are meaningless. Feel yourself coming together and falling apart. Revel in the closeness and intimacy that you share, and melt into one another.

10. Nothing is stopping you. If you wanted to, you could get up and just leave whenever you want. You could get up right now, and run up to a guy and kiss him – any guy. What’s stopping you? Your fear of not being good enough? Your fear of rejection? Your fear that people might not like you for trying to do something out there and different? That’s everything that is wrong about society. The idea that you have to follow the unspoken do’s and don’t’s. Don’t let them shackle you. Do what you want. Be who you want. And who cares if you fail? Stand up and try again. Nothing is stopping you, my dear.

11. You can never go wrong with pizza.

12. If you ever feel unloved or devalued and demotivated, know that you are the world to me and that I find the upmost worth in you. You’re destined for big things, my dear, I know it. The world is your oyster. Now go knock ’em dead.

“My brain hums with scraps of poetry and madness.”

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Ruin Me.
April 27, 2012

” ‘Maybe…you’ll fall in love with me all over again.’
‘Hell,’ I said, ‘I love you enough now. What do you want to do? Ruin me?’
‘Yes. I want to ruin you.’
‘Good,’ I said. ‘That’s what I want too.’ “
Ernest Hemingway

4 Years.
February 29, 2012

Half an hour till March arrives, and February has been a weird roller coaster of an emotion ride.

Everything has just rushed by and I hardly have the time to catch my breath let alone psycho analyze it or talk it out with myself or, anyone really.

But it’s always comforting to know that there are people whom will gladly be up for the task if you need them to be.

Counting Hours.
January 12, 2012

I find myself avoiding the radio like the plague when I’m driving. Mostly because the more tolerable songs on the airwaves today are predominantly written about love and love mostly reminds me about you.

I’ve always felt like such an idiot when it came to love. Or you know, affection, adoration, matters of the heart, whatever the romantics call it. And it’s all so much harder now because I don’t think I know who I am anymore. I don’t think I’ve ever had a clear handle of who I am truth be told. Not the way I did when I was with you anyway.

And now I’m left with nothing but what I remember of those late nights and stolen moments that I took care to ensure I have etched into the corners of my mind.

I know nothing now but the way you whispered my name, the way the words of gilded hopes and desires rolled off your tongue, the way the morning light danced upon your face, the way your crooked smile could have my breath caught somewhere between my lungs and my throat as I rush to memorize the moment and have them seared into the back of my eyelids.

A tilt of the head, a flick of the wrist, a furrow of the eyebrow, all burned into my mind, never to leave.

And it was a slow burn too. It wasn’t a wild fireball set ablaze by involuntary combustion, it didn’t burn bright and high until it faded into the stillness that swallows it but a kind of fiery, a kind of effervescent in all its breathlessness and I hated that I had to clear my throat to speak when you so much raised a glass to your lips.

It was slow and it was cautious and it was deliberate.

But then you were gone. Like smoke and ghost. Leaving me with images of crinkled sheets and half smoked cigarettes; winded and confused, trying to convalesce my heart from the jetlag  and untangle myself from lying awake in the mid of night mentally calculating the time differences.

No, love songs about distanced lovers definitely could not have hit a more inopportune spot under the belt.

“What time is it where you are?
I miss you more than anything.”

2012, Please Be Worth It.
January 1, 2012

Here’s the mandatory ‘By Golly Gee Whiz, what a year it’s been!!’ post. And yes, this is me trying to be not so much of a pain in the ass despairing realist by spewing hopeful words of wainbows and butterflies, jumping onto the whole ‘new year, new start’ bandwagon.

So, where to start. From the beginning then. 2011. What can I say? 2011 has been a year of change for me. But then again, every year has been a year of change for me. And I find myself being such a fool who can barely keep up. Such a stumbling, bumbling idiot, tripping over her own feet. And it’s just so difficult because everyday I yearn to find myself amidst the rubble because I don’t know what I am anymore.

Last year, like a certain song that touched me so much, I vowed to get up and go. I vowed to move on. I vowed to let things go and not spend my whole life holding on. Clearly, yet again at the end of the year, I am not the person I promised I would be at the beginning year.

Letting go isn’t as easy as I thought it would be. Having the courage to ensure I can pick myself up and move on is not what I envisioned it to be like. Not even a little. Not even at all. And so, I relapsed into many a thing that I vowed to let go and move on from, because you’re never as strong as you would have yourself believe. I’ve learned that the hard way.

But I digress. I kind of do that a lot. Back to it, where was I? Right. 2011.

2011 has been such a tidal wave of change for me, yet again. It has been a year of many firsts, many revelations, many adventures, many hurts and many pains. But what is life without them, right? And for 2012, I hope that the changes that roll around surely as they will, will be worth it.

I hope that I will hurt more (but not too much pleasekthanks) and grow stronger from them even more. That I will keep dreaming hard enough and persevere for the dreams to exist in my waking world. That I will be patient and make mistakes and be able to admit them and learn from them and move on better than I have this year. That I will breathe, and love, and live.

And most of all, I hope that for you too, you reading this. Wherever you are, whatever you’re doing, however you’re hurting, whomever you may be missing.

“How do you pick up the threads of an old life? How do you go on, when in your heart, you begin to understand, there is no going back? There are some things that time cannot mend. Some hurts that go too deep… that have taken hold.” 
J.R.R. Tolkien, The Return of the King