Keep.
March 10, 2013

Some moments in life bring me more clarity than others.

The hazy daze I’m floating in prevents me from sleeping though my body desperately needs it.

“Does it feel like you’re in control?” she asks.

Her familiar voice brings me comfort.

“Yes?” I reply timidly.

“Yes?” she repeats with the same tone of debatable certainty in her voice.

“Yes,” I say with more force. More assurance. More confidence.

“Good,” she smiles.

I’m not even sure if I was trying to convince her or myself. I mirror the smile nevertheless and a silence falls between us.

“But are you?” she asks, shattering the silence that sits between us so smugly.

“Not at all,” I chuckle.

“Good,” she smiles complacently. And just like that, she disappears without a trace. As if she’s made her point and there was nothing more to say.

I sigh to myself.

How long before it’s too long?

How far before it’s too far?

I’m not crazy. Really.

I’m aware that having a conversation with someone who’s not there might fall under some mental health grey area, but I find this need to sometimes seek you out. Talk to you like you’re still here. Imagine what you’d say when you caught me having a moment.

I’m not lonely either. Not really.

My heart is full and occupied, I have no more need for you, but I’m holding on to you like a child holding on to the toy they’ve had since they could remember because it’s comfortable. Familiar. Easy.

I just want to keep you for as long as I can. Is that really so much to ask?

“Isn’t it funny how day by day nothing changes, but when you look back, everything is different.”
C.S. Lewis.

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Tedium Vitae.
February 12, 2013

I think I’m addicted to these moments; these moments within moments when you remember something you haven’t in a long time. And in that little tiny space, the memories hit you so hard it’s as if you’re reliving it all over the again. With each breath, each laugh, each touch, you’re just there. All over again. And it’s so beautiful you want to freeze time and live in that moment forever.

But then you open your eyes and it all fades away. You realize that all that’s happen was just a memory, a memory which no one remembers, but you.

So I close my eyes and drift away again. Remembering the things you forgot. Remembering the moments within the moments.

You can spend hours, and days, and weeks, and months, and years, paving bricks upon bricks, one on top of the other, making that wall. But  the thoughts will wash over as they weave themselves into angry tides, crashing against the confined spaces of your skull.

I feel the  little pieces of my life start chipping away in bits and lumps.

So I curl into bed and drift away again. I’m tired in my heart. I’m tired in my bones. I’m tired of disappointing others. I’m tired disappointing me. I’m just. Tired.

(I’m sorry I’m so hard to deal with.)

“This is why it hurts the way it hurts. You have too many words in your head. There are too many ways to describe the way you feel. You will never have the luxury of a dull ache. You must suffer through the intricacy of feeling too much.”

Unnerving.
April 17, 2012

“There’s something about you that’s just so..” he starts saying.

And she braces herself for another one of his little persnickety, passive aggressive outburst, except he seemed to be deep in thought.

His eyes searched the ground fruitlessly and a little crease formed on his forehead, as if he has the words just on the edge of his tongue but they just weren’t forming on his lips.

That’s a first.

“Incessant?” she suggests, like a child offering an unsure answer in class.

“Irritating?” she takes a step toward him as his gaze flickers back up.

“Exasperating? Fundamentally annoying? I could go on,”

“Disarming,” he decides with a smile, “It’s unnerving,” he continued, voice light yet teeming with sincerity.

It takes her a while to realize he isn’t teasing and the implications throw her completely off. She bites down on her lower lip, trying to shield the smile that was slowly creeping in.

“Careful there,” she warns before turning around to take a step away from what felt like dangerous territory.

“What?”

“You just said something about me that doesn’t fall into the negative category,” she turns back around to find his towering form just behind her.

“As a matter of fact, it was positively in a neutral light, and you need to be very careful when you do that,” she continued, although the closeness was unnerving her, “The sky could fall down,”

“You know when sometimes you meet someone so beautiful and then you actually talk to them and five minutes later they’re as dull as a brick? Then there’s other people, when you meet them you think, ‘Not bad. They’re okay.’ And then you get to know them and… and their face just sort of becomes them. Like their personality’s written all over it. And they just turn into something so beautiful.”
Amelia Pond, Doctor Who Ep#6.10: The Girl Who Waited

4 Years.
February 29, 2012

Half an hour till March arrives, and February has been a weird roller coaster of an emotion ride.

Everything has just rushed by and I hardly have the time to catch my breath let alone psycho analyze it or talk it out with myself or, anyone really.

But it’s always comforting to know that there are people whom will gladly be up for the task if you need them to be.

Not Everybody.
January 7, 2012

I check my hair, my face, smoothen out my clothes and walk out of the car. There was a nervous flutter in my walk. A thing I didn’t understand.

I see the unmistakable  grin from a mile away and it’s weird when I think how edgy I am. Because within minutes, whatever my unfounded fears or nerves were about, it proved to be exactly that. Groundless and for no reason.

Which completely goes against what we’ve been taught I mean it’s out of sight out of mind. Isn’t that how the saying goes?

Isn’t that how you forget how certain songs meant the world to you at 16?

Isn’t that how you can forgive someone whom you just hours ago wanted to punch in their irritating mofo face once you’re home and cooled down?

Isn’t that how you forget about the message you were meant to send yesterday when you saved it in drafts to send later?

Isn’t that how you get over someone when you break up? Not see them, not talk to them, not even think of them?

Out of sight, out of mind.

And so I walk down that road, flutters in my stomach, reminding myself things change and dynamics shift and understandings fade. But then you throw your arms around me, a tight embrace of old friends reuniting. And we talked. And talked. And talked.

And then I realize, sometimes, some things don’t change.

Sometimes you exit someone’s physical life for days, weeks, months or even years and it still feels like you only last saw them yesterday. And hello’s will always come as easily as it always has been.

“I am lonely, yet not everybody will do. I don’t know why, some people fill the gaps and others emphasize my loneliness.”
Anais Nin